Tahoe....revisited

So last week was my trip to South Lake Tahoe. It definitely did NOT go as planned! The boy couldn't go because work came up at the last minute so Luna and I decided to make a girls' trip of it. I was quite sad about going alone but I probably really needed the time by myself. We had a decent time but, of course, ran into snags along the way. It would be a trip for me without snags! Sometimes, I swear that the canoe follows me wherever I go! I don't want to go into the dirty details about the trip but let's just say that I won't be going back to this resort and I'm not even sure we'll be making a return trip to SLT.... The town itself is quite dirty and seedy (IMHO) but the lake, trails, beaches, and mountains are quite gorgeous so we spent alot of time outdoors...which helped because I didn't gain a single ounce!

Now, here are a few pictures to show that we actually DID have a good time.


Two happy girls...



Lake Tahoe as seen from trails off Kiva Beach

The view from the back of our hotel



Luna giving me kisses on the beach

Challenge me!

So I just joined a fitness challenge for the month of June on Facebook and I'm really excited about it. It's going to be even more of a challenge for me because I'm working so much in June but hopefully I can keep up with everyone else in the challenge group!

The challenge consists of this:

1) Water~ drink at least half your body weight in ounces per day
2) Exercise~ get at least 30 minutes of some kind of exercise in daily (your choice of activity)
3) "Me" time~ take at least 10 minutes every day (either first thing in the morning or before bed is usually the best time) and use this time for self reflection, listen to your body, meditation, prayer, stretching, deep breathing, etc.
4) Goal(s)~ set at least 1 personal goal to be achieved during the month 
5) Weekly check ins~ post your weigh in every Saturday and include a positive statement about yourself with your weigh in. Also share how your week went overall (we are MORE than just a # on the scale) 
6) Measurements~take your measurements on June 1 and again on June 30 (general measurements include: neck, chest, waist, hips, upper arms, thighs and calves)
7) "Good"~ make note of at least 1 good thing in each day
8) Journal ~ in some type of journal daily log your food, feelings, daily "good", water, exercise and weekly weigh in's with your positive statements. Also note your goal(s) and keep track of your beginning and ending measurements.
9) Pamper your friends~ we will each be assigned a "buddy" for the month. You can choose how you want to communicate and how often but you are REQUIRED to pamper your buddy with one small gift of not more than $5 during the month (ideas can include a coffee house gift card, fun shoelaces, nail polish, lotion, your favorite tea, etc.)
10) Sharing~ in this group we will share our weekly Saturday check in's, healthy recipes, exercise suggestions/tips, stress relief ideas, etc. But this group is strictly for the focus of things related to this challenge. We will all be leaving our life stress at the door and walking in to "me" time as friends in this group.

Whew! This means it's time to start up my myfitnesspal account again (moxiedonna - add me!) and that I need to think of a personal goal to achieve for the month. I think the hardest part will be taking the 10 minutes for myself every day....well, 10 minutes that doesn't involve cleaning the house or playing games on the iPad! I'm apprehensive about posting my weight for the entire group to see but I'm pretty confident that no one will say anything. 

Anyway, here it is in black and white....my goals for June. Fingers crossed!

A short, somewhat angry rant...

For far too long I have let other people control me....control my feelings, my emotions, my attitudes, my behavior, and even what I wore. I changed myself to fit their image and did my best to stay in their good graces. And they still fought me and tried to control me and bring me down. And I let them. I let people who I thought had my best interests at heart "take care" of me. I thought they were doing it out of love. Turns out they were doing it out of their own sense of self-righteousness or their own sense of entitlement. Well, fuck that!

I am more than my weight. I am more than my waist size. I will never be a size 2 Barbie....nor will I ever be a Twiggy. If you don't like what you see when you look at me, stop looking! I am tall and curvy and baudy and full of boobs and butt. I am tattooed and pierced and outspoken and sometimes rude. I laugh and cry and sing and shout and scream and make weird faces. I'm a little bit crazy and a little bit cranky. I will not be quiet and I will not let you make me feel inferior. I will not let anyone control who I am or what I say or how I feel or how I act. My feelings may make you uncomfortable but they're my feelings - not yours. Control your own feelings and your own actions. Worry about yourself and stop worrying so much about me. I'll be fine.

I will not eat my emotions....maybe

Have you heard the saying "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck"? Well, I think the same goes for diets and bad eating. If it looks bad for you and smells bad for you and tastes like something that's way too rich/salty/fattening/sweet, then stop eating it! All my life I've been barraged with food that tantalizes the senses and automatically caused me to drool and I never felt the least bit bad about eating them. But never stopping to consider the things I was putting into my body led me to the point of severe obesity. And, honestly, if I'd kept eating those things the way I ate them, I would have died long ago. There's eating yourself into a food coma and then there's eating yourself into an early grave. Not really something I care to revisit.

My relationship with food has morphed from unhealthy to healthier. I've traded cheesecake for apples; steak for chicken; ice cream for yogurt. I stopped ordering the really rich drinks from Starbucks and steer clear of anything that looks remotely like fast food. I'll gravitate toward salads before pasta and will eat vegetables like they're going out of style. In the last few months, I've even traded in my coveted Diet Coke for green tea....that was the hardest. I MISS Diet Coke!

But I'm not perfect. Far from it, in fact. I slip more often than I care to admit. I am only human, after all. And I do love food....and sometimes I miss the old days of eating chicken salad made with walnuts and extra mayo from my local deli. I miss eating out for Chinese food and Mexican. I try to always make the healthy choice. And when I don't make the right choice and I eat French fries instead of salad, I try not to beat myself up. I try to remember that I make mistakes and that one misstep does not a habit make. And I try to remember that it's OK to not be perfect all the time...it's OK to have that slice of cheesecake or that juicy burger or that milkshake.

But...I also need to recognize my cheating ways and confront them head-on. When I slip and eat something that I don’t normally eat anymore, I know there is usually an underlying reason. I'm not simply eating the cheesecake because it's there - I'm eating it because someone has made me mad or made me want to cry. I'm eating it not because I'm hungry but because I'm emotional. All my life I've been eating my emotions and hiding behind the things that make me feel less than. And I'm still emotional and I still want to eat my emotions...that's the hardest thing to change.

Changing habits and learning not to be an emotional eater are harder than one would think. You cannot simply change a lifelong habit in a matter of days or weeks…or sometimes even months or a couple of years. Emotional eating has been engrained into my psyche for over 30 years and expecting these habits to change overnight is not that easy. It’s retraining yourself and reprogramming your brain. It’s learning to recognize what triggers emotional eating and trying to avoid those triggers. It’s learning to accept your faults and trying to learn to NOT beat yourself up. It’s finding it within yourself to take a breath, forgive your faults and move on. It’s learning to live life and not to live behind food. And sometimes that’s the hardest thing of all.

Nothing like a little complication...

Life stumbles along at a normal pace and, just when you think you have everything figured out, WHAM! Something happens to send you reeling. That happened to me last Friday night. I was given a little nugget of information that I'm not sure what to do with. I wish I could talk more about it but I don't really want to give it breath because I feel like acknowledging that it really happened would just open a big, fat, giant can of worms. So I'm choosing to not acknowledge it....it doesn't change anything and wouldn't change anything. But I will admit that it blindsided me and it keeps rattling around in my mind....throwing me a little off-balance.

Other than that, things are good. The boy and I are preparing for a short jaunt to South Lake Tahoe with the dog next week for part of my vacation. I've never been to South Tahoe so I'm really excited! There's a castle there I want to explore and I want to spend time on the beaches just relaxing. I very much need to get away from it all....even if it is only for three days. I mean....who doesn't want to spend three days looking at this?!?!?!?!

Plus it's our first getaway as a couple so it can't get much better than that!

The only thing I'm a little worried about is the food situation. There are so many great restaurants in the area where we'll be staying and I want to try them but I don't want to gain any weight while I'm out of town. I'm pretty adament about that. So we're planning on taking as much of our own food as possible (fruit, protein bars, drinks, snacks, etc) and limiting our dining out...that way I can control what goes in my mouth and still enjoy being away from everything. I'm looking for healthy snack recipes that I can make quickly so we have good stuff on hand. I'm also trying to remember everything we need to take for us and for Luna (the dog) so we don't have to buy anything. Yes, I'm super anal-retentive and I'm very much a planner. Hmmm....these look good. How about these?

Okay, now that I've made myself hungry....I'm going to find something to eat! Have a great day, everyone!

Bittersweet Memories

Tomorrow marks the 8 week anniversary of my dad's death...and yesterday I found out that I'm being promoted...so this week is somewhat bittersweet for me. My dad was fiercely proud of what I do for a living and would have been so thrilled that I got this promotion. He would have told everyone he came in contact with about it. So, when I found out that I got it he was the first person I wanted to tell. Instead, I told my mom....it wasn't really the same. She was happy and proud and she cried...but she wasn't my dad. It's not a bad thing - it's just not how he would have reacted. And it makes me miss him more than I already do. I miss my dad....I miss him sooooo much!

Dieting sucks...

There's really no other way to say it - dieting sucks! Yes, I know it's a "lifestyle change" and all that stuff but you're still dieting. You're still eschewing ice cream for yogurt; cheesecake for an apple; steak for chicken. It may be something that has become just a daily part of life but every once in awhile...you want to go back to your old, cheating eating ways. At least I do. But for me going back means dealing with the aftermath. And usually that aftermath includes alot of guilt and the unfortunate side effect that comes with eating foods your body can no longer tolerate.

Don't get me wrong - I normally have no desire to go through the drive-thru at In N Out or to run into Coldstone Creamery for ice cream. I can do without wings from the deli at Safeway and the really fattening drinks at Starbucks. But, yeah, I miss the really yummy chicken salad that's made with walnuts and extra mayo at my local deli. And the great friend Chinese and Mexican food. Come on! I live in the Bay Area! There are some of the world's greatest restaurants around here just waiting for me to plop down my money for some of the best food I can ask for! But for me it's just not worth it anymore when I know I'm going to be running for the bathroom within an hour. It's sad but true.

So that's why I say dieting sucks...if I hadn't made the decision to change my life and my bad-eating ways, I could enjoy mini fried donuts from Pier 39 and rich, creamy clam chowder from my favorite stand in Bodega Bay - without the aftermath. But....if I hadn't made the decision to change my life, I wouldn't be sitting here today. And I definitely wouldn't be writing this after having spent the morning at the gym. I probably would have dropped dead of a massive coronary before my 35th birthday. It's a hard truth to face. But I would make that decision again - no matter how many times I was given the decision to make. I made the right decision - I changed my life for the better and now I can live it.

But still.....dieting sucks. I'm just sayin...

Pitfalls and stumbling blocks

So, yeah, my second posting. I'm pretty sure no one has read this yet but that's okay. I thought with this post I'd tell a little more about myself. I'm 30-something and I live in the San Francisco Bay Area with my dog, Stella Luna, and two cats, Gabryl and Thomas. I work full-time as a 911 dispatcher and I own a side business selling homemade organic dog treats and toys. Two completely opposite ends of the spectrum, I know, but they balance each other!

I decided to start writing this blog as I try to get myself back together after doing a header off the wagon a little over a year and a half ago. I started hanging out with someone new and stopped doing what I had been doing to keep the weight off and, in the process, gained 80 pounds. Since regaining my sanity, I have lost 60 pounds and will have the rest of the weight off soon. I'm angry with myself for getting lazy and for gaining weight but....I guess it's just another lesson learned. Note to self: DO NOT let someone else's habits become your own!!!

I'm becoming more accepting of myself and learning that it's okay to talk to people about your problems. I've also learned that there really are people out there who love you no matter what. Remember in my first post I talked about losing my friends? Well, the friends I have now really MEAN something! They are wonderful people...and that's the way life should be.

I'm also in the process of falling head over heels for a very wonderful man, but more on that later. Right now I'm going to enjoy it before I do anything else with it. And that, my lovely reader, is how I'm going to end this....by keeping you in suspense.

So, if anyone is actually reading this I'd love to have ideas on posts. Are there recipes you'd like? Stories you want to hear? I do plan on slowly and surely telling my life story and how I lost all that weight. But I want your input....tell me!

Losing the weight is only the beginning...

I used to be fat. Not in the jolly, Santa Claus laughing kind of way. Fat in that can’t walk up a flight of stairs without stopping for a break and can’t fit in the seats at the movie theater kind of way. Fat in the way that causes little children to laugh or look away and causes teenage boys to openly make fun. I was fat in a way that made me never want to leave my house and face the light of day. I was only 29 and I weighed 450 pounds.

Making the decision to lose weight was actually one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made. It came in conjunction with ending an unhappy marriage and starting over. I joined Weight Watchers and  lost 75 pounds in the first six months. Then I got frustrated with Weight Watchers and hit a plateau for another six months. I thought about weight loss surgery but was too terrified to go under the knife so I considered it a last resort. Instead, I took another, more radical approach and underwent a medically-supervised liquid diet. That plus a ton of exercise helped me get rid of the last 175 pounds.

The hardest part is that as I lost weight, I lost friends – which didn’t help my self-confidence at all. People who I thought were my friends started ridiculing me and telling me that I was too skinny and that I looked sick and anorexic.  I started having body image issues that drove me to seek professional help. My therapist told me that people were upset because I had changed the “status quo”. I had gone from being the fat friend who made everyone else feel better about themselves to being the skinny one who got all the attention. It was so hard for me to imagine that people would actually HATE me because I made a life-changing decision but they did! Luckily, not everyone felt that way about me…which I guess really means that those people I thought were my friends weren’t. They just wanted me around to make themselves feel better.

It’s been four years since I lost the weight and I struggle daily. I’ve found better, more encouraging friends and am more at peace. I still have body image issues and I still struggle with thinking of myself as a thin person. But I’m still the same person inside – I still love and laugh and cry and get angry and rage. My weight fluctuates as I learn to live and enjoy life but I’m getting better at keeping it where I want. I love being active and I thank my body daily for getting me as far as it has. As for those people who I thought were my friends? I’ve accepted that they didn’t have my best interests at heart and I’ve made peace with losing their friendship. Because I found that there’s something better out there – me.